January 30, 2017
It’s time. I am 33 years old and have been married for 10 years and, as of yesterday, officially on the baby path. If you had asked me six months ago, I more than likely would have laughed, scoffed, or simply said we weren’t thinking about it. My husband and I have spoken of having kids but it was always theoretical. For a majority of our marriage, I couldn’t even fathom the idea of bringing a child into this world and attempting to raise it. I couldn’t conceptually see myself mothering a creature. But for the last few months, I can’t stop thinking about having a baby of my own. Of our own.
For me, the idea latched on in November, shortly after losing my husband’s father. It started with a winking note of regret because my father-in-law would never have a grandchild but that regret soon became so much more. It nestled into my head and my heart and before I knew it, more often than not, my mind was on the possibility. I would wake from a dream longing to pick up the child I just envisioned. My heart warmed when I would visit with my nieces and nephew. I found my gaze lingered on the baby aisle when we’d rush by on Walmart trips.
Even though I thought about it constantly, conversations between my husband and I would casually drift to the topic and we began to discuss things in a more concrete fashion. While he warmed to the idea, I dreamed of how to do our nursery, baby photo shoots, gender reveals, pregnancy announcements. Daily, I wished we were ready for the next step. Waiting for him to join me on the precipice.
And then, yesterday, coming home from the gym, we decided. He was ready to travel down this road. We will officially begin to try. No more protection. Just him and me. The decision couldn’t have been on a better day; according to my app I am at my most fertile. The window of opportunity stood open and we dove in. The air in our home sizzles with anticipation and expectation. Our excitement and hope is so tangible, you call feel it warming space in our home.
Today I sit here and literally cannot focus on my work. I have researched the absolute earliest signs of pregnancy, baby names, created a secret wish list on Amazon for furniture, spent a ridiculous amount of time Etsy finding items I want to decorate a nursery with, and sent warm, cuddly thoughts to my uterus to encourage it to make a snugly home for my baby. I know there will be no way of knowing anything for the next few weeks and I can’t imagine how I will accomplish anything until I know for sure. But even then, it might be weeks, months, or even years before I conceive. We are only a few steps down our road and have no idea if this is a leisurely stroll to the next juncture or the beginning of a long, arduous journey. Only time will tell and time is measured in cycles.
Coming Soon....Maybe 