Blind Curves

I am 6 days late and 4 negative pregnancy tests down. I legitimately have no idea what to do at this point.

While in the past my cycle was not always very regular, in the past few years I have begun to regulate nicely. I only wish now that I had been tracking a little more consistently so I would better know where I stand. Am I simply having a much later period or is something off? After the first attempt, I just figured it was too soon to tell. The second (on the first day of my missed period), maybe it was still a little early. After the third test (on the last day of my projected period), I was beginning to feel disappointment set in. But today, after nearly a week of being late and still receiving a negative test, I am completely downtrodden.

I probably wouldn’t be so heartsick if there hadn’t been signs. Several signs. About 4 days after ovulating and 3-5 days after sex I began spotting. For 4 days I lightly spotted. Initially I was alarmed but after a little research I learned this was a common thing when an egg is implanting. At this point I was absolutely elated. I could already be pregnant!

And of course there was the random cramping. Am I starting my period? Is this just a little PMS? According to many websites, cramping is common in early pregnancy because the uterus is stretching and preparing for the baby making process.

On the day my period was set to start (and for the entire length of my cycle) I did have to wear some light protection due to a thick, clear discharge that completely soaked my undergarments. Aghast, I begin looking up the source and what I found is that many women who are pregnant experience this in lieu of their period. It is a cleansing cycle for the body and part of its preparation for the coming months.

However, one of the earliest signs I experienced and is persisting is the utter exhaustion. I have had no energy. By the time I get home from work, all I can do is sit in my comfy chair and try not to pass out. I cannot get enough sleep! More days than not I want to lay my head down on my desk while I am at work and catch a few quick zzz’s.

I have been keeping close tabs on my body and searching for symptoms that could indicate pregnancy but could also be from other issues. I have had significant lower back pain but my back hasn’t been quite right since I injured it a few months ago. I have had many headaches but those come and go. Also, some women experience congestion and I have certainly been quite stopped up but I think that has been from the return of a head cold that I have had 4 times recently. Do I add these items to the ‘pregnancy symptom’ box or just ‘run-of-the-mill-could-be-anything’ box?

I feel that I have displayed enough symptoms to think pregnancy is the cause but 4 negative tests have me confounded. How do I proceed? Should I get a blood test done? Or should I just keep trying? For now I will continue monitoring and waiting for other symptoms to occur. One month in and this road is already full of blind curves.

Coming Soon….Maybe

January 30, 2017

It’s time. I am 33 years old and have been married for 10 years and, as of yesterday, officially on the baby path. If you had asked me six months ago, I more than likely would have laughed, scoffed, or simply said we weren’t thinking about it. My husband and I have spoken of having kids but it was always theoretical. For a majority of our marriage, I couldn’t even fathom the idea of bringing a child into this world and attempting to raise it. I couldn’t conceptually see myself mothering a creature. But for the last few months, I can’t stop thinking about having a baby of my own. Of our own.

For me, the idea latched on in November, shortly after losing my husband’s father. It started with a winking note of regret because my father-in-law would never have a grandchild but that regret soon became so much more. It nestled into my head and my heart and before I knew it, more often than not, my mind was on the possibility. I would wake from a dream longing to pick up the child I just envisioned. My heart warmed when I would visit with my nieces and nephew. I found my gaze lingered on the baby aisle when we’d rush by on Walmart trips.

Even though I thought about it constantly, conversations between my husband and I would casually drift to the topic and we began to discuss things in a more concrete fashion. While he warmed to the idea, I dreamed of how to do our nursery, baby photo shoots, gender reveals, pregnancy announcements. Daily, I wished we were ready for the next step. Waiting for him to join me on the precipice.

And then, yesterday, coming home from the gym, we decided. He was ready to travel down this road. We will officially begin to try. No more protection. Just him and me. The decision couldn’t have been on a better day; according to my app I am at my most fertile. The window of opportunity stood open and we dove in. The air in our home sizzles with anticipation and expectation. Our excitement and hope is so tangible, you call feel it warming space in our home.

Today I sit here and literally cannot focus on my work. I have researched the absolute earliest signs of pregnancy, baby names, created a secret wish list on Amazon for furniture, spent a ridiculous amount of time Etsy finding items I want to decorate a nursery with, and sent warm, cuddly thoughts to my uterus to encourage it to make a snugly home for my baby. I know there will be no way of knowing anything for the next few weeks and I can’t imagine how I will accomplish anything until I know for sure. But even then, it might be weeks, months, or even years before I conceive. We are only a few steps down our road and have no idea if this is a leisurely stroll to the next juncture or the beginning of a long, arduous journey. Only time will tell and time is measured in cycles.